Journal of Fire
by Lady ot Rings
Summary: Spoilers for the show Charlie is back at the caves, but without Claire. When he finds her journal, he opens up in a new way.


**Disclaimer: **I own Charlie everyone! cricket, cricket Ok, I really don't, but I wish I did. Instead I own this fanfic and I hope you enjoy it!

"Is there anything we can do for you, Charlie?"

That's all I hear from them now. Before it happened, everyone would ask about DriveSHAFT or the good things in the "real" world. But now they act as if I'm an invalid. That's one thing I absolutely hate about humanity; they're your ignorant neighbor one minute, then the exact second something goes wrong they act as if you've been best friends all along.

We need to get off this bloody island. That's the plain, simple truth. But then if we were rescued now, what would happen to Claire? I should have been stronger for her, I should have fought harder. But against what? I don't remember anything.

I've been staring at the fire for a long time now, impatiently waiting for the sun to rise. What if Jack doesn't find her? What if--I have to live without--

Without Claire?

I bow down my head to hide the wetness in my eyes and notice a very familiar light-colored bag. Claire's, of course. They must have found it while looking for us.

They only found me.

Something catches my eye. It's her diary sticking out of the bag, the very notebook she writes--used to write--in. I don't want to intrude upon her private posessions, yet something draws me to the book. I slowly reach down to pick it up and realize just how sore I really am.

Flipping through the pages, my attention is brought to certain passages she has written in her flowing script.

_"Apparently the baby likes sushi because he kicked today! I was so worried that after the crash all was lost, but this has renewed my hope."_

_"I never imagined that invisible peanut butter tasted so good, especially the extra smooth kind."_

_"The fear of being alone on this island has increased. Last night I was attacked by a man trying to hurt my baby. No one believes me. No one except Charlie. This amazes me because there is so little proof that anything happened, yet he's by my side, always smiling. Perhaps the fear can't penetrate the strange bond we've built up."_

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Could it possibly mean that she likes me for more than just a friend? We barely know each other and already we have a "strange bond" that I feel will stay with me for a long time, maybe even the rest of my life.

Suddenly, I find my hands shaking uncontrollably. Afraid I may drop the book into the burning embers, I turn away and clutch the diary tightly to my heart.

Then, a thought occurs to me. What if this is the last remnant of Claire that I have left? Without her, this diary holds her spirit and the words of her heart, possibly never to speak again. As realization hits, I choke back a sob, but barely. How can I live without Claire here beside me? Already it's been too long since I last saw her and the pain wrenches my heart in tow.

If this is truly the last relic of my Claire, then I must do something. Perhaps, since the diary holds her spirit, her soul, I can give her a message. Maybe I can speak to her, even though I'm not in her presence.

Opening the book back to the last entry, I begin to write with a pen I found in the bag.

_"My Claire,_

_I hope you will not hate me for adding to your thoughts, but I had to do this. First of all, I'm sorry for not protecting you from Ethan. I'm sorry about keeping secrets about myself from you, even though I accidentally let it slip that I was once an addict. I hope that when you read this, you'll be able to forgive me._

_Believe it or not, there is a reason I'm writing to you. You see, Claire, when I'm alone, my life means nothing. But when you're near, I feel like I have something to live for. When Ethan took you away and left me to just hang back (sorry about the bad pun, I know it's in bad taste, but I had to say it), I wanted to die, Claire._

_In fact, I did die._

_I want to say I died for you, but then I'd be a liar. I could never lie to you and have no remorse. I died because I lost hope, I lost you. You are my hope, Claire. Every time I saw you smiling in the morning, I knew I could last another day. Every time you looked at me, I knew I could survive another week._

_And when you let me feel the baby kick, well, let's just say I felt like I was in Heaven. Was I? I can't remember. All of my thoughts and memories have gotten so jumbled up lately. Even if I can never remember that event properly, I want you to know that it was one of my best memories on this bloody island."_

I'm crying now. Not hard or loud enough for the others to notice, however. I've never been able to cry like that. Yet as I cast my eyes downward, I see another pair of feet close to mine. I jump back, startled.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. I didn't mean to scare you."

Kate. She was there when Jack brought me back. She's a nice lady; friendly, but not overly so, and trustworthy in some strange way. I can tell she's looking at the diary, so I quickly shut it and put it reverently to the side.

"They'll find her, Charlie," Kate says. "Jack knows it's important we stay together."

I never look at her, but nod slowyly. I hope the sun rises quickly; I can't bear the thought of Claire alone this night.

"Under different circumstances," Kate continues, "I'd ask if you were alright, but I know you're not. It's in your eyes."

At this comment, I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and look up. She barely knows me, yet understands I don't want pity. I just can't get over that.

We're both silent for a moment. The bugs buzz, the fire crackles, and the worried chattering of the others echoes in the distance. Then Kate begins to stand up. "I'm sorry. I should've known you wouldn't want to talk right now." She slowly walks away, but before she's too far off, I finally respond.

"Kate," my voice cracks. She turns back to me, waiting. "Don't leave me, too." My eyes plead with her to return. Almost instantly, she comes back and puts her arms around me as I sob harder.

"I won't leave you, Charlie," she whispers in my ear, rocking my like a mother rocks a restless child. "I'll stay here tonight, no matter what happens."

The night wears on rather slowly. Too slowly for me, of course. Still, Kate keeps her promise and stays with me. Something nags at me to talk to Kate. But why?

"Kate, I need to tell you something."

"Shoot."

"It's about...Claire." My voice gets gradually softer with each word. "I--I think..." Can I really be saying this? Kate looks at me and begins to smile kindly. "You know what I'm getting at, don't you?"

She nods. "I hate to tell you, but it was kind of obvious."

"I think I lover her, Kate."

We're both silent again. Do I love Claire? Does she love me, too? Am I crazy for even thinking this?

Yes.

But I guess a crazy man in love acts this way. There, I've admitted it. And, for once, the whole world hasn't come crashing down on me like the cave did. The stars are still set in the sky and the ocean's waves haven't flooded us out.

For once, I feel as if I've done something good.

Kate puts her arm around my shoulders and smiles kindly again. "I'm sure she loves you, too, Charlie."

I release another breath I didn't realize I was holding and nod again, signifying I feel the same way. Somehow, not hearing those words from Claire's lips reassures me just the same. Maybe she does love me.

Reaching for the journal, I flip back to my addition and finish it.

_"As much as logic wants me to say goodbye and leave you in the past, I can't do it. I can't let myself believe that you're too far gone to be worth saving._

_I watch the fire now and think of only you while I keep my silent vigil. The flames are ever-moving, wispy shapes of feathers reaching for Heaven, but falling back to earth in the ceaseless tumult of life's struggle. Almost like fallen angels, but not quite._

_I'm reminded of you instead. You struggle every day, even moreso now, but you keep reaching. The clouds are cleared away, my dearest Claire; raise your eyes to freedom...I'll be watching to make sure your flame isn't extinguished."_

Falling from grace.

You hit the ground hard.

Mud coats your face;

You stare out, alarmed.

Falling from grace.

A life shut away.

Losing the race,

Flames burn all your days.

The love was there,

Just hidden from sight.

My heart was bare,

Was waiting for light.

We found ourselves

Burning in the fire.

The old man delves;

Our own needs were dire.

Hold on to life

While the time is near.

Turn from the strife

Of a wasted year.

We're all burning!

The choice is your own.

Time is turning...

To ash and bone.


End file.
